Oreoluwa Alabi
500-level Pharmacy
University of Ibadan
“I no come this life to suffer….”
But look at you, suffering. You can be rich and all that, getting moolah as you please, but as long as you’re within the confines of Naija, you are suffering. How do I know this? You are the small p. Ask Lord Lugard.
One thing about being Nigerian is your ability to move mad, whether or not the occasion calls for it. It’s a big psych ward here but without the doctors. Do you need to shout? Do you need to ask if people know who you are? It doesn’t matter! Like Nike, ‘Just Do It’ — shout, claim you are right even when you’re clearly in the wrong. ‘Only mad people succeed’. In Nigeria, yes.
To be wholly Nigerian, you must have a premium license from the Bureau of Imaginary Statistics. You wake up, imagine a number and attach a value to it — you want to go for something sensational here. “76% of men cheat on their wives”. “67% of Nigerian women are involved in paternity fraud”. Do you see what I did there? It’s all in the numbers. Your sources are inanimate and never concrete — Jibril of Sudan, Mohamed of Niger Republic. ‘I don lie for you before?’ = 200% accuracy.
As a Nigerian, you must have an innate ability to misunderstand any quest for equality. In any form or manner. Any form of activism must be seen as a threat to national security. Are people fighting for their lives? Fighting against police brutality? Against killings in the north (or south)? Why should they? The government is always right. Any protest is divisive and should not stand. What? Feminism? Ehn ehn! How dare they have a voice?
‘Nigerianess’ comes with staggering ‘religious-ity’. If you are not religious, you aren’t worthy. A sprinkle of hypocrisy ‘ear and dear’ makes for the perfect blend — a beautiful sight! You must go to your place of worship and act holier than everybody else. You must also lie, steal and be insensitive to your neighbours’ plight, or, better yet, straight up malicious towards them. Don’t forget to mention ‘God’ whenever you get caught with your hand in the cookie jar, or Satan — it’s always his fault. Satan works overtime in Nigeria.
The junior P. A special breed. Genotype OMO, Blood Group ALE. As a rite of passage, you must have zero regard for human lives. Other citizens are bloody civilians! They don’t have your paramilitary blood and so don’t deserve to live. You must extort them — how could they be thriving in the poverty capital of the world? You must be drunk on duty and high as a kite. Anyone who questions your investigative techniques will stare down the barrel of your gun. You will shoot them, and nothing will happen! When they come out in numbers to ask questions about how you treat them and seek reforms that will better your welfare, you will abandon the job. Yes! Do they not realise that you have been doing them a favour all this while? ‘Aired dfkm’.
As the senior P, you have sworn a lifelong pledge to be the father and mother of every Nigerian youth. They are your children, and they must obey your orders. When they don’t, you must tell their birth parents — who double as your assistants — to warn them. They are all drug addicts and jobless by choice. They use the money meant for food to buy drugs, as they should in the world’s poverty capital. You stand twice as tall and sit higher than everyone else — no one can ask you questions.
You tell the most astonishing lies. You don’t know if it’s in your genes or you learned on the job. You even brand it and make it your name. You have an immense affection for anything meant for the masses — money, bread, garri, or even ‘indomeeeannn’ — anything! You build massive houses for the wares and give them out on your birthday. Giving back to the community >>>>>. Like celebrities during the lockdown, you must do giveaway. Your projects and empowerment programs must be ‘5k for 50 people, drop account’ — just add ‘moni’ to the back. That’s the way to improve the economy!
Lock the borders too — the lazy Nigerian youths will be forced to innovate. The Chinese did it, so they can! You will produce pencils in 2023, but none of these is possible if you don’t ban rice, turkey, and all other imports. Their sexy pictures are a threat to national security. Freedom of expression exists but blasphemy and playing PES are crimes. Drug abuse, child marriage, and sexual perversions aren’t, though. Hehe.
As the senior P, you will use the junior P to intimidate the small p. You must seize passports and restrict bank accounts of peaceful protesters. They have the audacity to want to go to another city?! They want to have access to their money while being in the hegemony of peaceful protests? No. Never! ‘Gbas must collect Gbos’. If they move up, their dressing will also earn them an all-expense-paid trip to the police station. You must work towards ending social media too. It’s bringing international disgrace, and you don’t like it because it will mess things up when you go to beg for money outside. Nothing should stain your white ‘Bambiala’ agbada, plis.
You must tell them that Nigeria will get better. When? You don’t care, but they must all hold on to that. That betterment will be supernatural, messianic, and will come overnight. They are the leaders of tomorrow, so for today, they have to sit down, watch and cheer on as you ruin it for them. Isn’t that how things should be? Disrespectful youth. Imagine them demanding that the biggest P speak to them. A whole Commander-in-Chief? The GCFR? Wow! The P who must be oblivious to all the challenges his citizens face, who must be the chief organizer of any giveaway. Your Excellency Sir, ‘e ma binu, Sir’. The youths are now on their way to the farm.
All government parastatals must act on vibes. The ministers should double as Private Investigators in their spare time and be available for such ‘sherlock-esque’ travels. Governors, Commissioners, and Directors-General of agencies must learn the performing art of crying and other theatrics for the sake of the masses. Those Oscar-worthy performances should be staged when they are called to account for funds placed in their care or in times of severe national concern. Who doesn’t like some extra entertainment? Honourable Minister, off your mic! No one should interrupt the show, plis. Don’t rain on the clown parade.
Election season is a time for p to be jolly, to receive 2kg of rice and 2500 naira and vote away their future. There is hunger in the land, and ‘Na person wey dey alive dey reason nation-building’. 2023, we await you. See America celebrating that the White House is forbidden and not for Trump. We don’t deserve it. Carry go; business as usual.
Kill us, we are your ‘asun’.
Bury us, we are your seeds.
Disguise us, we are your Boko Haram.
Disguise us again, we are your ‘weyrey’.
Vibes, Insha Allah and a sprinkle of the blood of Jesus, God no go shame us. We moooveee!
20th of October 2020, you carry army go kill many youths for Lekki….
In all of our Nigerianess, we won’t forget that.
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This article is quite realistic..very realistic maybe too realistic with a hint of comedy.
Great work of art!